And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
