Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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