I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
