I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
