i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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