peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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