The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
