There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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