My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
