textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
