I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
birth control should be required to get into college
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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