she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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