If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
