i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
