your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
