John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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