U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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