nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
