she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Iβm going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee heβll get hard every time he remembers it
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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