There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
