when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
