Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
