i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
