take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
