3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My bed smells like the plague
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
