Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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