I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
