I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
