i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
