how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
