I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
