it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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