She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Panties = found
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
