My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
