I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish life had little blips of pornography
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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