Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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