i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
