Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
