I hate your face
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
