I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
