Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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