wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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