I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
