he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
