He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
