Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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