Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
