he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
