just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
