Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
