Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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