Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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