I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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