i think my mom watched the whole time
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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