What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
